I honestly don’t even know why we started dating in the first place. Other than the physical attraction, there really wasn’t much there. You live a meh life with a meh job. You have no ambitions for yourself and are perfectly content to live out the rest of your days sitting on your couch, flipping channels. I wanted to like you…I tried to. But of the 210 days we were together, I think I spent 209 of those days waking up each morning feeling half empty on the inside.

I think you were nervous to end it. You were insistent on meeting me for drinks at my neighborhood dive bar, something you’d never done before. After downing a couple of beers and stopping by Milk Bar, you ushered me into my apartment. You already told me you weren’t planning on staying the night so I knew “the talk” was imminent. You were nervous; I think you may have expected me to shed a tear or two. But I don’t think you know how relieved I was—I had wanted to break up with you right from the beginning.

I didn’t though. I selfishly wanted the stability you provided. My last break up was messy. And my soul mate is dating someone else (more on this topic later). I’m fiercely independent and really don’t need someone…but I’m not going to lie, it’s nice to have someone. Someone to share your day with, to talk about things that are stressing you out. Someone to plan life around. You were that someone who was nice to have, but whom I could live without.

Part of me wishes I had chosen to live without you instead.

You came into my life in the midst of a major life transition. I left a secure, well-paying job for reasons you didn’t understand. I started a business following passions you couldn’t understand. I wanted you to support me, to tell me everything would be ok no matter what. I needed you to believe in me; you didn’t.

Instead, you spent every waking moment we were together patronizing me. You’re the accountant and I’m the entrepreneur. I haven’t taken a single business class but I fiercely believe my ideas are worth pursuing. You thought I had no business being in business. And maybe I don’t. But who are you to judge that? You were never interested in getting to know me as a person, only the companionship I provided.

You never realized how worthless you made me feel. Inferior. Unqualified. A consistent failure. It messed with my head. I wasn’t able to run my marathon this year because of it; didn’t it ever cross your mind that you might be the reason why?

But part of me now sees the valuable lesson you taught me.

Never settle. Ever.

I wanted to settle for you because I so desperately craved having someone. I compromised my values and my time for you. I jeopardized my well-being for you. I wanted to make you work at the expense of myself. I should never have settled. Especially for you.

My life is complicated. I intentionally designed it this way. I don’t want the suburban house with the white picket fence, 2.4 children, and some theoretical retirement that you do…I never did.